Column: I swear I didn't break up with you because it's two days before your birthday, I just didn't remember it.

Seriously, everyone keeps telling me how much of an asshole I am for dumping you two days before your birthday just to get out of getting you a present, but I swear I had no idea it was your birthday!

I know this makes me look like a horrible boyfriend, and I know anything I say in my defense may be hard to believe, but please, please know that I truly and honestly wish you could see into my head. You'd understand that I really had no ill intentions whatsoever when I broke up with you in front of all those people so you wouldn't make a scene. I cared about you way too much to be able to do something like that to you.

For instance, don't you remember that one time on Valentines day when I got you that Family Guy DVD set? I mean, I had to pre-order it from Best Buy to make sure I could get a copy on the day it came out. It has the episode where Stewie tries to build a device that destroys all vegetables for God's sake! He hates vegetables so much that he actually builds a device to completely eliminate them! That doesn't even make sense, but that's what makes the show so great. I guarantee if you would have ever taken the DVD's back from my place you'd totally understand how funny that show really is. If you did want those back, by the way, I'll have to tell Dave because I lent them to him about two months ago.

And then there was that other time when your sister was in the hospital and I was there for you mostly every step of the way. I couldn't actually make it to the hospital with you because I had already committed to that happy hour with the guys for both of the days she was in there, but I stepped out onto the patio multiple times to call and see how things were going. The only reason I didn't remember to come pick you up was that I was really drunk. Besides, you were always nagging me about driving drunk anyway.

Your friend Lisa, the one you always used to get mad at me for talking about how good of shape she was in, told me the other night when she was at my place you were going around spreading this rumor about how bad of a person I was. Well, she also said that you spent your whole birthday sitting on your couch crying. They had all set aside that whole night to take you out to the bars, and you just didn't show up? Who's the bad person now?

But nevertheless, I dont want to bring up insignifigant stuff, like that time when you started a fight with me for driving to the beach for that weekend and merely forgot to let you know I was going, I just wish you would believe me when I say I DID NOT know about your birthday, I promise.

I really just want you to remember me as someone who would never do that kind of thing to a person they care about. I mean, I guess I felt pretty lucky when I did find out I had barely escaped having to get you a present, but that was honestly pure luck. Besides, I broke up with you because you were getting fat.

Student's Dragon on Jacket Actually a Unicorn, Popularity Hindered

West Linn, OR -

A local high school student's first day back from spring break, as well as any chance at further popularity among the ranks of his peers, came to an abrupt standstill when he learned his new jacket was not embroidered with a horned dragon breathing fire on the back as he had believed, but rather a unicorn with a long flowing mane.

Jeremy Jenkins, 15, was made aware of his erroneous purchase when Jed Stevenson, a senior on the wrestling team, pointed out to the congregation of students at the school's front doors that, "Jenkins has a freakin' unicorn on his jacket!"

"What a boner!" Stevenson added.

Jenkins turned quickly to see a large group of students pointing and laughing.

"I automatically went on the defensive," Jenkins said. "I tried to say that, no, it was a dragon!"

His pleas fell on deaf ears, though, when Stevenson pointed out the obvious unicorn features.

"The twirly horn with the sparkle at the end, the long flowing mane, the pink thread. You could tell it was a unicorn from a mile away, " Stevenson said. "It wasn't even close to a dragon, or whatever douchebag over here thought it was."

The event triggered a quick downturn in Jenkins' popularity, which was coincidentally low to begin with.

"I, like, never talked to him before because he was sort of weird, " Brittany Prentice, member of the sophomore winter cheerleading squad, said. "But he likes unicorns? That is beyond weird. That is, like, super weird or something."

Jenkins' loss of appeal to members of the opposite sex was not limited to the cheerleading squad. Commentary, both directly to his face and behind his back, came at him from girls on the basketball team, the debate club and even the band.

"I like unicorns too, " Kennah Harris, 2nd chair oboe, said. " But I'm a 14 year old girl."

Jenkins subsequently attempted a series of endeavors attempting to regain a fraction of respect, including a party he threw the next weekend while his parents were out of town.

"The party didn't work. A lot of people came but only because it was a house without parents. Most of them just walked in and called me a name that had the word 'unicorn' in it and broke most of our plates," Jenkins said. "Then, someone found the actual jacket in my closet and it was over from there. I don't even want to talk that."

"Yeah I can't believe we found the actual jacket. We were also really hoping his mom or sister had some sort of unicorn paraphernalia in the house somewhere, " a partygoer said. "We never did, but how funny would that have been?"

Further efforts to cloud his peers' memory of his stupid girly unicorn jacket have proven generally unsuccessful.

"I just want to be done with all of this," Jenkins said. "Man, I really wish I would have looked closer when I bought it."

Jenkins was further demoralized though upon learning from several people including this reporter, that, no, even a jacket with a dragon embroidered on it would have still been pretty gay.

The Onion

I'm going to get straight to the point. I want to write a story for the Onion. I plan on doing so by means of this blog. Let me outline my plan:

1. Write funny satyrical news stories about things ranging from politics to moving furnature, and the politics of moving furnature.

2. Sit here.

3. Receive email from the Onion stating that they want the rights to a story.

5. Provide rights in exchange for a dream coming true. And some money.

4. Send out annoying mass email with link and subject line: My article in the Onion.

5. Sit back and wait for vast riches and women...or vast riches of women...or vast riches of rich women...hot rich women.

So here we go, the Onion, you...are...mine...